Something Will Get Us All

First there was the cyanide in the apple seeds, and if you ate four bushels a day for 30 years to get an equivalent dosage you might get the cancer the lab people found in the rats. Then there was a diet “candy”called Ayds. They were about the size of little caramel cubes, and if you ate15 or so pounds a day to get an equivalent dosage—my mother gorged on them–for decades, you might get the cancer the lab people found in the rats. Heaven forbid we should learn that lab rats are genetically predisposed to get cancer,without any help.

Quantum leap here—to the early 21st Century. We’re told that corn isn’t corn any more, that it’s been so adulterated with yield-enhancing chemicals that it should glow in the dark. That about 80% of the corn grown in Nebraska becomes cattle feed means the beef most can’t live without is also a science project. Never mind how much water it takes to grow two ears per stalk—that’s another rant. Then there’s what used to be wheat. Once upon a time wheat grew in fields that knew no chemicals, and sprang up given enough rain and sun in time for harvest. Flour got milled, bread got made, and no one knew what diabetes meant. Today I’ll bet you can grow wheat in a vacuum on the backside of the moon. “Whole grain?” Don’t even go there.

 We play a cyclic heaven-hell game with our food, ostensibly to sell more magazines and diet cook books. Eggs are bad, no, eggs are good.Only organic milk is good, or is it only skim milk is good? Buy tomatoes in a glass jar, not a can. Skin all vegetables—after you wash them. Wash your hands after you peel a banana. Give your potatoes to a surgeon to scrub the way he or she “scrubs in” for a procedure. Don’t eat anything white.

The latest culprit lurking to kill us early—is gluten. So no wheat, barley…peanut butter, bbq sauce, shampoo…hiding from gluten is like hiding from Santa. Gluten sees all, knows all. Gluten will find you and give you Celiac Disease, or stomach cramps, diarrhea, blurred vision and a lethal craving for Queen Anne cherries. Gluten seems to be a legitimate threat to many people’s health and I have great compassion for them, but that’s not the point.

Too much broccoli will make your hair fall out. Velveeta should only be available by prescription. Dark chocolate is good, but in weekly amounts that can only be seen under an electron microscope.

As soon as I learn that white bread will end cancer, improve gas mileage, bring peace to all nations and save us from eternal damnation–and find the equivalent dosage, I’m going to stop reading.

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